It's been so long since I have felt it, I almost forgot how close I am to it at any given time.

Magic.

Life has been cathartic. Numb, dry. Don't get me wrong, this isn't depression talking...just an acknowledgment that being a person who is willing to be moved in God's motion, in the stream of life that is...that there are times when the flow widens or narrows or turns the course and at some point you look around and seem miles or ages from where you were just a blink ago.

My friend, and my daughter's teacher lost a battle to depression recently. Lost in the fatal sense. Tonight, with a friend and a few of Noelle's friends we gathered for dinner and then went over to the synagogue where the school used to live to somehow create a space for just time with Lulu. I didn't expect to respond the way I did when I pulled into the adjacent park. You see, the school, sadly, passed away a year and half ago...also a suicide.

With the passing of Lulu, I realized that I have not fully grieved the loss of Waldorf Education, and I don't know if I will ever completely be past it. What we had was unique. lovely. personal. spiritual. communal. irreplaceable. magical. Lulu enhanced the joy of being there daily. Noelle loved her deeply. She encouraged Noelle to be a stronger person. She taught her to believe in herself and her talents. She laughed and cried with her. She whispered, danced, and sang with her. They were dramatic. They were positive. Lulu changed lives by being in the room. She brought people out. She could see their true natures and would consider what it looked like to be loving. But she was also sick. Sicker than we all knew, apparently. Much of the details I not and may not ever know...but I am sad that I didn't know how sick she was, I can only hope that she somehow knew how much she was loved and appreciated.

When I exited the car into the park, I heard and felt the magic of what was. Of children in trees, in forests building stores and forts and hideaways...Of children running across an open field or playing basketball or gardening. Of interactions with snakes and frogs and kittens and wild squirrels. Laughter lives on there...it was everywhere. My body started shaking and I was overcome with sadness and began to cry off and on until my friend arrived. The three girls with us, of course, ran ahead to see if there were still forts in the woods, or to see where they used to hang upside down...to find all their treasured memories before the school bled out into it's cold hard death.

Grieving Lulu has awoken an anger and deep regret and sadness over the loss of Waldorf, of my community that I thought would always be together. But it's gone. Scattered to all different states and cities. There is but a remnant of it left, and I may just have to go and invest myself in it.

I NEED to be part of God's rhythms. I NEED to be reminded of who I am. I can't live in this electronic age and be fooled or lulled to sleep for one more day. I feel like I have been believing lies...it's hard to believe that this is what God allowed to happen. However...

We have found a great treasure in what God is supplying us now. Our new school IS amazing (although traditional), and the teachers there are A+ in my book and for this I am truly, truly thankful. And, although I hate the circumstances, I am thankful to Lulu for reminding me who I am, and whose I am. I am thankful to be reminded that I am free. I am an explorer. I am a creation who creates. I love, am love, and am loved. I am rhythmic. I am sensitive. I am alive, and I can allow myself to feel alive.

I love you Lulu. I love you, Harvest School.
I have a special place for you both in my heart,
and, because of that I will take you with me for the journey of my lifetime.