I eat a really big salad.

I am not exaggerating. The salads I make are generally big enough for a least two to four people. Some raw foodies will say that you need to eat a larger quantity of raw food because the caloric amount in a salad greatly differs from that of an enchilada plate...which makes sense, but that is not why I eat such a big salad. Neither is it because I exercise to offset calories (because that is r.a.r.e.), or that I believe I need to eat more because I am nursing a baby.

Nope. It's a good excuse, though.

Earlier at the salad bar I overheard patrons talking about how healthy it feels to make a healthy choice...and that's part of it. I don't feel like I know who I am when my diet gets murky. I don't feel like I can expand into my entire body, you know? Like my hands feel detached, my legs walk on autopilot. Like I said, not myself.

Just now as the sweet lady was making my salad I was screaming inside. She took her sweet little hands and grabbed a mini handful of spring mix, and then I asked her for another of baby greens. I tried to remain calm on the outside as my head was rattling. I thought I might faint as she put a teaspoon of purple onion on, and about six slices of carrots. I think I may have gotten a total of two sugar peas (they were chopped) and five mushroom slices. As I went along I just kept adding more veggies in a panic thinking there wasn't going to be enough. I even started planning out what smoothie I was (am still) going to buy after I am done eating this baby salad. I mustered enough strength to ask for extra sun dried tomatoes and that went well...

The reason I feel like I eat such a big salad is because I don't believe I am going to get enough. Growing up our pantry was scarce. I think we may have had rice in there...that's all I remember anyway. My mom would often make tacos because it was so inexpensive and went a long way. Once my grandparents dropped off food at the house...$200 bucks worth of groceries which was a lot back then...not like now when that gets you a roll of TP, a head of lettuce, a few bags of chips, shampoo and tampons.

I eat a big salad because I want to fill up on the good stuff so I won't go out and fill up on the bad stuff. I have been overweight in the past and severely depressed and I feel like this is maintenance that keeps me from laying down at night and feeling like an extra person is lying around me. I don't trust myself to take care of myself which means I believe I am not enough.

Not enough wife.Not enough woman.Not enough mother.Not enough Christian.Not enough poet. Not enough artist.Not enough right about anything important.And not enough to be worthy of anything.

But today, as I was eating my salad (it was actually quite large after they tossed it all together, and quite yummy) I realized that because I am afraid of not getting enough, that I overeat even healthy things. That I try and stuff my fear of going without down without noticing that I am full. Since I am on a raw fast (this is day 4) I pray that I will learn to slow down with my food, and that goes for prepping and eating. I hope to also feel the abundance of what we have been given and feel the freedom to let go of my fear of not being/having enough to survive.