...free to move...

I doubt anyone's noticed the slight change in my blog heading, but "free to move" is what I am trying to live into this year. And, lo and behold, claiming my freedom was my first hard-learned lesson of this brand-spankin' new year.

I've been down. Introspective, and serious. I went through some trials over the holiday season...mostly with patience and budget, and I really feel like I did it well. Money has a strange property these days. I was telling a collection agency just today that "money is not as solid as it used to be...it's more fluid. Like water. Water that trickles in, but pours out. That's what money is like these days. Nothing sticks." He agreed. It's actually nice to talk to creditors when everyone is in the same boat. I don't feel so ashamed and scared. Sort of makes me wonder if the creditor has creditors calling. We both agreed that we were just happy to be employed and able to do the best we could do. Nice.

Surprisingly, money wasn't my lesson.

My journey was darker, and more intimate. I want to lay it all on you, but I won't. Not because I am ashamed, but because it involves people I love, although it's not about those people. It was about me and the challenge that's laid before us all:

How will you love...
when it's hard to love.
when it hurts to love.
when you can't even feel love.
when you're attacked from all angles as soon as you choose to love.
(it's as if love is trying to see if you are really, truly committed to love...isn't it?)

so, how did all of this start, you ask?



Well, the days following Christmas, my husband and I started to wean back our cooked foods, and whatever food we did cook, we strived to be whole foods like steamed veggies or baked potatoes. We already don't do wheat or flour breads or pastas of any kind...but we are suckers for corn chips, salsa, beans and corn tamales!!

For the New Year we went to my uncle's lake house for time with the family. I relaxed and planned to keep relaxing...although at times it was a challenge as my 11 year old was subject to learning all sorts of new vocabulary and how people change when they are inebriated.

When we returned home after 5 days at the lake, I was exhausted, and pretty irritated on the soul level. I wanted to scream for justice for the innocent. I wanted to build a 10 foot brick wall around my home and keep the world away from my daughter and sons. I wanted the world I wanted, the one that is good, and alive.

Monday I spent thinking about cleaning, and paid bills. Just enough, so, so thankful to have exactly what we need and enough to donate to Advent Conspiracy...the goal of the holidays! When a person starts a cleansing diet like we had done, and a person is a sensitive being such as I am, that person (me) may (or certainly will, in my case) cleanse emotionally as fast as physically. That night, I went to my weekly group meeting with friends, and one of my friends was hurt badly. I was drawn to him, and so, so got where he was coming from. He and I were on the same frequency of pain, deep betrayal, and fear of rejection. It felt so good to get him, to be with him and just sit with him in it. It was an honor, and it helped me. Some of the things he said made me take note as a parent, and as a friend. That same night I began to notice a pain in my breast, something within me was dislodged, something was breaking loose.

I was hurting, the pain, both emotional and physical, was showing up as a clogged breast channel on the right side. It hurt, and I let it. I let it hurt. I let myself be hurt and mad and let down. Tuesday, I let myself go down. I grit my teeth. I felt it all lodged in my throat, I wanted to throw up scream bite kick flail my arms around and cry cry cry. I was down, so I prayed for my heart, and that God would help me, teach me to be loving when I didn't feel like loving. I didn't even feel like engaging with anyone. I spent the day cleaning the house...really, really cleaning it. I wanted everything out the door that we didn't have time or money to truly 'take care of'. 5 out of 6 baby bunnies that were born at our house had died in one short week for some reason, and I am certain its because we are neither bunny experts or bunny handlers. They needed to be freed or given away AT LEAST one week before they died...or one day even. The mom killed all but one, the one we gave away.

I had one, soul confidant in this time, one person who I trusted to keep things safe, one who I knew could love bigger than I could at the time...well, two including my husband, actually. Now, this is not to say I don't have people I trust. I don't tend to hide my true self or thoughts, and I have a select few that I trust with everything, yet, in all this sorting I didn't want to poison ANY of them. What's the point of telling tales of things, when it's all about the lesson at hand, really and NOT the people who trigger it? Anyway, this one gracious soul, pursued me, listened to me, prayed with me, stayed with me in my mess of a mess, loved me when I felt yucky, loved me when I felt guilty, spoke truth into all this falsehood for me, and it saved me. It was as if I cracked open and spilled out all over the place, but she hung with me as I examined every part, and put things in their right place (at least for now). She understood, which is part of what I needed...to be understood and I needed to say it to sort it all out. Examine it all, so I knew where to put it. I didn't need to, or deserve to be justified on anything, really. I just needed a way to set these things free. I needed a confidant, a place to confess. It was lightening. I love her truly.


I got off the phone. I prayed. I paced. I thought. I felt guilty for talking, I heard all sorts of shame in my head...but I just kept with it. I am certain, now that I am writing this, that somewhere, I had agreed to wait, and God agreed to wait with me. My husband was picking up a homeopathic remedy for my son's cough, and I thought to ask him to get one for my breast pain. When he arrived with it, I started on it. It was an answered prayer.

This morning, when I woke up, the world was different in that my heart was different. It's like I went to sleep as a million different screaming pieces, and woke up one whole being. I haven't felt as good as I have today in a while. I am so thankful. God spoke to me today on several things.

Always give from the heart, otherwise what you are doing is a chore.
(including a beautiful vision where my hands are open, and my arms are open, and I can see them connected to my core, my heart and soul, the source of all that should flow down my arms and out of my hands)

Expect less from humans, more from God.

When I have become desensitized, for whatever reason, pray. Pray to be love.

When things come against me, remember that love has opposition in this world. I can't love it with my own human love, I need to make sure my love is sourced from God's infinite supply.

Be truly thankful. Take it all in, everything changes in a moment.

That God will wait with me, and that it was good to wait in this pain, and not totally explode and wreck my world...but to confess to a friend, and to wait on love. So worth it.


And...if you've come this far on this epic blog post, I want to share with you the image that God gave me of us on this journey:



I hope you wait in God's arms. I pray you and I will continue to seek to love, to place our trust in the right source, lay our heads against God's breast, cling to Him (although He's truly holding us) and listen to the source of all love beating within Him, and take it in. He's liberated me once again...

TO FREEDOM!