I am aware that something is happening.

The past few weeks have been hard. Deadlines, late nights, long drives to town and back, a death in the family, pneumonia (mine and Noelle's), insomnia, staring at my shortcomings, feeling deeply...like survivors on a deserted island, these things stand watching for any change, any relief to come.

And, today... with the rain, after a long day of hauling Hall's to the Dr., the pharmacy, to Target and finally in town to their last rehearsal before the play this weekend... I began to be able to breathe again. Oh, sure, it's more than likely the antibiotic I finally caved and went to get today, or the breathing treatments I've had to administer 3 times today... but with this physical relief, I found a new breath.

As I was going through my nighttime ritual (bath with book and hopes of being able to fall asleep, then bed, then up again...note: the time of this post is somewhere between 1.30 and 2 am) my spiritual self began to mourn. At first I just noticed that my eyes were stinging and itchy, and thought to dismiss it but quickly changed my mind. I instinctively started to breathe in deeply, and breathe out through my mouth while moaning in a pitch that can only be described as some underwater creature's sound. This sound, is hard to describe, as it was more than a sound, but a vibration that was shaking my heart and as it did was scattering tears down my face, onto my chest, and into the waters of the tub. It hurt, and yet I felt right, and afterwards I felt more connected with the inner longings behind my ribs, I felt ache, deep love, grief, fear, joy. I don't know if I could actually describe it well enough. I am still caught up in it.

There are so many things on my 'to do' list before the baby comes, but I think I am going to throw the list out the window and take a hiatus from 'doing' things. After this weekend, the plays will be over, and I'll have very little commitments on the calendar...so I think I will commit to sitting still. Commit to remembering who I am and listen to what's beating behind my chest, what passions move me. I may work on some art, photography or poetry--things that have been dormant for some time.

I need to be out in nature, to rekindle my love for vibrant living energy and my connectedness to it all so I can carry the love and life with me in the birthing process...the birth of a new little person, and the rebirth of a woman and mother.

May you always return to the source of love...and there, may you know no boundary.

K