I am feeling so much better!

Two days of nesting at home in our PJ's watching TV (I know, so unlike us) with popcorn and crochet work...it's just what the dr. ordered...actually, literally since Noelle's sweet little throat was swollen like giant marbles all over the place and she couldn't move her head. She's better now, two days of remedy and an herbal antibiotic and the love of her family and one amazingly sweet man that is our family dr.

I knew her illness was the result of too many emotions, too fast, bottled at the neck and afraid to come out...the first thing he said to her was, "Did something big happen to you?" She could hardly nod or talk, so I said, "Yes, many big things." He said, ever so kindly, "You know, it doesn't matter what happened. What matters is you are here, and being here, you are already getting better. We are going to make you well."

Jesus love it. I can't believe I am so blessed to know/be in the presence of such an amazing healer. Truly, truly I embrace Jesus every time I go to see him.

We had a great, but busy T-day. We had four T-dinners, one with our small group on Wednesday, and three on Thursday. We had one more on Friday that we missed because we were at the dr. and I didn't even worry about it...FINALLY, NO GUILT! I think all this letting go is working! The old me, would have pushed a little too far, but not the current me...hopefully, I'll keep going on into a future me that doesn't resemble the old me so much...well, maybe just a better me with the same amount of wrinkles as the old me...is that too much to ask? Jesus can heal wrinkles...right?

Food-wise I enjoyed mainly a raw T-day. I had a few green beans, a spoonful of mashed taters and a pinch or so of vegan dressing (breaking bread w/in and outside of community...we've got it all in my family). I felt like I did well. :)

We had another family come and look at the house, they liked it all except for the garage being turned the way it is... ? Well,,, not much I can do there. :( I hope they find their house soon! And i hope whomever is supposed to find ours comes running!

Please keep praying that it finds its new owners!

Love to you on this cuddly under four quilts kind of day...


K

Ten fingers.
Ten toes.
Ten hundred times I've kissed them at one hurt or another.
Ten thousand giggles and smiles that have tickled my mother bone.
Ten million frets, worries and chances to let go just a little more...and still there's more to come...

Ten years, though? Ten years is hard to believe. And baby...you are ten years old today!

A decade ago, you came into my arms to change my life forever. You were so pink (after you were done being purple) and you were wide awake. Within ten minutes of you being outside the womb you had been held by almost every family member you have. By the end of the night I think you had! You were the first of the grandchildren, and first of the great grandchildren, and anxiously awaited.

We named you Noelle, because it means 'Joyous Birth' and that is exactly what happened.

That night, your Paw Paw brought me spaghetti for dinner, my favorite. Then I curled up with you on my hospital bed to nurse you. While in awe, we fell asleep together on the bed! When I woke up I was totally mortified that you might have fallen off and no one had come in to check on us! It was the first of my motherly fears, and definitely not the last by a long shot.

I had so many doubts...would I be a good mother? kind? self-less? would I remember to feed you and bathe you? would I always remember that first feeling of holding you? would I ever be able to let you go? would I ever be able to love you enough?


And, in ten years, what I've figured out...is that all you want is me. Fully. To be present when you say, "Hey mom, can we have girls night?" to not look away when you say excitedly, "Mom, watch this!" To remember to kiss you all over, hug and tickle you...even though you're ten...because you still like it, and you crave it.



So, today, on your tenth birthday...I celebrate you. The you God sent to me, the you He's shaping, the you that brings joy to all who meet you...the you that I've learned, life is all about.


Happy Birthday, Noelle Ray. You are ten times as good as you started!

11/19/97


Love, Mom

I need to write.

I need to write and write...even though I can't feel most major appendages on my body. even though everything i see is blurred by the constant tears beading in my eyes just before they tumble down, stinging streaks into what used to be my face but now feels more like wet sticky dangling noodles of skin.

I lost someone today. Someone I've known almost 16 years.

She was old, and aching, but she was familiar to me, a constant unconditional force of love. She was one of my first expressions of independence. We weren't allowed to have pets at our rental house, but I brought her home anyway. My mom protested, but I stood firm. You see, only two months before I had lost my high school best friend in a drunk driving accident. It was a tangly mess. I was with her that night, although I wasn't there when she crashed. I followed her, and made sure she made it where she was headed safely, but she at some point decided to leave there and that was the end. But, that's a different story.

This story is about a friend who never stopped loving me.

She was only 5 weeks when I picked her out of the litter. Mark and I had only been seeing each other for four months or so. She had one blue eye, and one brown eye so I named her Indigo. She was half Llaso, half poodle. She was so, so soft. Bunny soft. When she was a pup I took her everywhere in my purse. This was way before the designer dogs of the stars. I took her to bars where I worked the door, no one ever new. I took her in the mall, I took her everywhere.

We drove through McDonald's once upon a dream when life was Dr. Pepper, Quarter Pounder with cheese's and a pack of Marlboro lights, and I'd order her her own cheese burger, hold the pickle. She was fiesty, sassy and she told all the other dogs how to behave. Yep, she was mine.

She used to lick everyone's hands. It was terribly gross and terribly loving all the same. A long, long time ago and yet yesterday it seems, she would run everywhere, and play tug of war with one of Mark's socks. She used to love socks. She would bury them under air and wonder how we ever found them. In the end, she stayed within two feet of me most of the time, as if I was the only sock left in her stash. I was her home away from home, I was her seeing eye-person. I laid with her off and on all day today. Comforting her (so I thought), loving on her. I watched her last night walking around in the back yard, and I could see her imagining what it would be like if she could just peel off her fur coat and fly away. I could truly see her rising as she stared into the depths of the sky calling for her accompany.

My heart is broken.

When we told the kids tonight, they sort of acted ok at first, then Gabe so quietly wispered to me "if we could please pray for Indigo." I said of course, and we prayed. We thanked God for Indigo. Her life. That she was so, so soft, and that she loved us more than we'd ever know. We told him we loved her, but we loved Him more and we needed Him to be bigger than us because we felt so small.

And we all mourned deeply. Loudly. Honestly.

I think it may have been the first real time I have ever experienced prayer at all.

She's been gone exactly six hours and two minutes, and I want her back with all the human selfishness she understood and loved anyway.

Thank you, Indigo. For teaching me how to love.

Ok.

I, apparently, am a really, really, REALLY bad blogger.

I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll start small, because I am (small) and growing smaller...

We've scaled back from 3000 sf. to about 600 sf. We've thrown in the towel on the rat race. We're selling it all, going for broke (no pun intended) to resolve our debt to the world, striving against all who we'd set ourselves up to be for freedom. For re-alignment with the Eternal One.

Seems crazy. Every other day (well, every day) I wonder if I've been brainwashed into some cult like the ones in the made-for-TV dramas "based on real life" I used to watch growing up. In reality, I know I am not. (It's good to ask, though!)

I've been heartwashed, actually. My mind has nothing to do with it (Thank God! I am pretty sure the last hamster left the wheel years ago...) I feel like I am getting stronger. I was talking with friends and one of them mentioned that we were on a retreat. I think that feels right to me in this space and time.

Retreat. Release. Realign. Renew. Recharge. Reclaim. Reward.


Reassured.