Today I feel so unfit. Not in a "I can't run down the street" kind of way, but in a "Why am I doing this" sort of haze.

I am swimming in detox. I keep trying to remember to drink water, but I get busy and, well, the detox makes me forget. I've talked to several friends today, who pick up instantly that I am distracted and cruising on auto-pilot. I don't like auto-pilot. She's untrustworthy.

Life at our house is once again recreating itself. Each day brings something new, and its both beautiful and painful. Like childbirth or any wonderful piece of art. In this space, I hurt.

It's not depression. It's not anxiety.

It's cleansing. It's moving. It's what is going to free us to be God-pilot-ed (God-pilot-ed...I have officially worn out poetic license with that one). I need to feel all this. I need my heart to beat to each and every pain that is flushing out of this body. This is where life is. Past the numbness, the 'put-out-of-my-mindness' (uh, I guess I had one more in there...), the self-centered me who is 'so over me', and into feeling truly, for the first time.

With so many people just getting to know me, it's hard to tell everyone what it is. But it is exactly this. Movement. Recreation. Good Health. God working...on the cellular level to remove what I've hoarded as "my owned pain". It's crazy to imagine the action at the cross working on microscopic levels, but being completely free means it has to, doesn't it?

My love is rescuing me, and I lean into His catch.
My love is healing me, and I take His remedy in trust.
My love is loving me, and I am flushed in His flesh...

Sometimes life is heavy. Today is one of those days, but tomorrow...?

Here's a poem I dug up from a ways back that I feel works for me today:

sentiments.

horse hair wispers blow
before these eyes
tangled on inhales and exhales
shallow movements
beneath breasted burdens
where life settled
as a lake on lungs,
vacuolated

but breathing
(these exact sentiments);



or maybe
it's just this day.

****

And here's another one:


hulled.

i write this,
just because you might read it

encounter me
through the pane


where
womanhood is framed
and faced to weather
constant reflections:

days trailing off her right eye
years slipping across her brow

and that one risk
that could only be taken
from behind glass.

****

Ok, last one...this one was written for my husband, but I don't know if he's ever read it...

ring.

so Love,

shall we press ourselves further--
pull the string on these bodies
we've sewn together,
and as our sleeves slide to the ground

circle one another,
out of these skins
unrestrained


and
against the law of reserve,
cast our hoard onto
onto an altar of fire
purify ourselves for freedom

leave behind
our mocking bones
thumbing their teeth
and join within this idiom built for two

as
our outsides lay in the dust
we will open our lungs
cracking this holy air
we share
and rise


on the ring of our vows
two be alive.


****

Thank you all for loving me. I love you.