Is there anything quite like a river?

The rivers are high, but we've managed to find some quiet swimming spots. We're relaxing even more into this new space...I hope to put up some more pictures soon...but I had to try my first attempt at loading pictures with these.

A new poem...



un-forgiveness


burrowed in the spine
stabilizing catastrophe
burden carried within me

and i


fractured as bone
leak
into life, and coil
balled twine

tightly wound
it seems unfair…

but to me.

It's been a while since I posted...and so much happens in a week!

Life is really getting relaxed. I think I had 99 things to do on Friday and managed, let's see...three of them...but here's the catch, I didn't care. The day was the way God wanted it, and I relaxed in the richness of it.

Things are changing in my house. God is moving, energy is shifting, air is coming in...we are awakening to the idea of truly living, and living freely. What a hard road to venture on to, I might jump off it after .02 seconds if I weren't so dang excited to be on the road. Maybe I will just stand at the edge of it and stare down the pike, imagining for a bit and gaining some strength...nah. That's not my style. Here's me:

Kelly (at Taft Concert): Hey Chris, what are all those packets in the other room with the kids pictures on them?
Chris: Those are children in Uganda. Brian (cue Brian popping his head out from behind Chris) is working with this new organization and you can give money monthly to help support...

(Here's where my brain just jumps the track...)

Kelly: I'll take four, please. Noelle, help me find two boys and two girls.

There, that's me. On the way home I almost had a panic attack thinking that I was partly responsible for four more children for the next 13 years or so, then I realized they were cheaper than one month's supply of diapers.! We've been getting letters and drawings ready for them. I think it is cool that we each have a new friend/family member in Uganda! The kids are TOTALLY excited to send them pictures and drawings.

There is so much that has happened that I don't know where to start!

I ran this week. I need to run more.
Mark's poison whatever is almost gone, praise God for Dr. Tito.
We've been outside, learning about the creek, and how it flows. If we weren't leaving for Wimberley in the morning, I'd be there tomorrow am, as it is SUPER high, and I bet it's really flowing well. I'd like to take the kids down there with some floats to see if they can ride down it. Maybe it will still be that way at the end of the week.
We've both (Mark and I) had the chance to sit down with a friend and talk through some of our hang-ups, and it's already opening up new space in our lives.
I've sunk into some deep thought in the last week, God started working on me Monday and still am a little lost in it. Swimming in God is good, but soon I will have to emerge and get back to life-work.

The message I took home from small group on Wednesday was intense. It seemed the conversation on forgiveness was pre-destined for me (surely everyone, but definitely me). I listened mostly to several people talk about forgiveness, how to forgive, when to forgive, whether you forget or remember...when you draw healthy boundaries, how eternity is at stake...but that's not what hit me. What hit me is that my very life was at stake here and now. I was convicted about unforgiveness of myself and of my daughter for uncontrollable things that happened at the beginning of her little life. As we (she and I) pulled away from small group, I was compelled to pull the car over, hop in the back and forgive her and myself for holding a grudge, for making myself miserable because of night terrors she had when she was a baby. I realized that I had held on to some bitterness because I was so out of control, I couldn't help her in any way besides just sitting in the doorway and trying to talk to her until she woke up and collapsed exausted in my arms. It was a horrible experience, and she went through it for about 18 months off and on. After we talked in the car I could see how that grudge had changed the pattern of our relationship up until now. I'm really excited to see what we will become now that we are free from it!

So much more is going on, but not much I can just post without TONS of time to write it all. I didn't even touch on raw food...that must be a first!

And like I said, we are getting packed and ready to head out to Wimberley tomorrow. I can't wait. I am going to relax, play with the kids, write...see what we can do there in the rain (I haven't told my kids we may not get to go in the river yet...) draw, plan, love. Hopefully we will get to map out how we can build a tree house while we are there this week...if not, another time this summer.

I am off to fold laundry, and get some shut eye for the trip!

Love to all...K

This may be short...as I have gotten into a habit of staying up too late...

I feel even more back in the game than yesterday...life is on the up and up. My remedy is working, prayer is working. Oh God, thank you!

Like the homeopath said, I am onto finishing tasks. (What a great remedy this is!!) Unfinished sorting...bring it on. Unfinished art projects, no problem. Unfinished dishes...let's not get carried away. :P

I keep getting more and more relaxed in life. In this natural swing of having my family knitted back to me...together. I can't get enough of it! My kids are absolutely amazing...I mean it. They are fascinating to watch, and hilarious to boot. Even Gabe thinks he's the funniest thing since banana peels. ;) He's testing on Tuesday for his green stripe in Tae Kwon Do. I can't believe how fast they move up in this sport! It's really encouraging! Noelle is jazzed up and ready for her performance in Newsies next week. I can't wait. We just need to put a little more effort into her costume, and she is stage ready! Still...she is on me asking..."Mom, when can I be on a magazine cover?" Too bad I don't work for the GAP!

Mark's job offer came through. It's a good one, but so is the job he has. We are tossing this one up to God on a big heavenly quarter...whichever, whatever...I just want him to be happy to go to work and happy to come home. It would be nice if he could negotiate a few days of telecommuting. He wants to be near all the action here so badly. I think I will toss that up to God as well...it's nice having an agent!

I am getting super charged up about raw living again. I am not kidding when I say I am about to take it up a knotch...my only fear is losing more weight. My family is already walking up and pinching me in tender areas and making comments like, "Hey, eat something." But when I go to the websites like www.thegardendiet.com, and see this amazing woman, pregnant, glowing, healthy...unburdoned...I just can't help myself! Especially if I am going to be taking on new family members soon, I want to be energized and ready for action.

This means I need to work on new recipes. I am thinking about having a recipe/pot luck/party. Where we get together, make a few recipes, bring new recipes and everyone gets to check them out...OR, maybe just have another potluck in June at Taft ???

As sure as sure is,
something will inspire me--
because life calls me
to move within its movement,
and still in its stills,
I am captured in the Vast,
and loving towards His will...


Ah, I'll work on it later!


K

What a challenging yet fruitful day yesterday was.

I feel like someone opened up my chest and gave my heart a few good pumps and closed me back up. Graphic and gross, I know...but true. It's like they said, "Here, see if you can feel this...?"

Sure enough. I feel like I have been melting down so long, that I forgot what a direct hit was like. So, this morning I feel a little battered...in a good way, if that makes sense. I feel like Mr. Bad Ass is coming up against my family out here in the Woodlands from all angles trying to take down this church. The only reason I say this is because he's been whittling at me and the rest of the crew already because of The Voice for the last few years and I have finally been able to see what it looks like.

What is funny (well, not FUNNY, but interesting...or strange...or well, funny) about it all is, the more he raises his hand against me, the more I feel...and the more I feel, the more I can love in deep compassion. Still, I hesitate to scream out, "BRING IT ON!"

I started to write a poem last night at small group for the Infinitely Vast...it's nowhere near finished here's how it's looking so far:

again its down to You and me...
and we, will build a life of worth
based in richness found in the depths
of the Infinitely Vast
pulled into the heart of who we will be
and lift face to this world,

to extend ourself in love as we pass through.





As always, I dunno, but I will definitely keep working on it.

K

Ok. Here I am...for the three people and one cricket who know this blog exists.

Life has gotten hard lately. I have faced one challenge after another, and have no idea what's around the corner (but I am hoping it's a nap). It's one of those weeks (the girly kind) which makes it harder.

Now that we are home schooling, I have the urge to really pick up and go find our "just reward" acreage land with big canopy trees and a curvy bustling river...with plenty of room for more kids and the three dogs we already have. I want a rope swing. I want a tree house. I want room to run and run and run...

Mark and I are finally on the same page about adding to our family. Which is exciting and terrifying. I don't know if we will be filling out papers or tromping off to have an out patient operation, but God is calling us to more. I haven't told my family at all. They will either feel sorry for Mark for the operation, or think we have REALLY lost our minds this time. I am almost thinking of doing both.

If we adopted, I think we would probably go local, as we don't have the money to do anything overseas. Even going local, and not using a state agency would be around 20 grand.

I wonder how all this will work out with the bible and kids being home...which is why I feel called to bigger pastures...we need the room to explore, and farm and run and run and run... :) I must really need a jog or something!!

I had a long day in the car today, but it paid off in the end. I am still trying to figure out what I bring to this church community, and where I work within it. I am learning a lot about myself; about my limitations, about my expectations, about my short comings and about love, love, love.

My kids are having a blast at home. I took them swimming in the creek the other day, and we are going again with a picnic lunch tomorrow. It's been a trip to see them chest high in the water, exploring and singing and having an amazing time! The dog just romps around chasing sticks and digging holes. It's great. It reminds me of things my dad always says they used to do...maybe tomorrow we will seek out an 'unchartered' area of the creek and see how far we can walk!

I hope to figure out how to post pictures soon!

What an amazing week!

God met me in small group this week in the smiles and hugs of new dear friends. I feel so blessed to be where I am at. Truly.

Here's the scoop on my fast:

After talking to my sweet friend Emily, I feel called into Song of Solomon. Which is where I am headed in a few minutes...me, a bubble bath and the Song. I know...but I gotta squeeze in a bath here and there, otherwise I get noticed in a not-so-nice-way. Especially out in the Woodlands! Ha! (That was not nice at all, and I should go back and erase it.)

I have gone back to my normal style self as far as my post fast diet. It feels right now. Here's what is still on my conscience to fast from:

Worrying.
Overcomitting.
Driving.
Spending money unconciously. (i.e. lunch out)

I realized after my fast, that I don't struggle anymore to eat a mostly raw diet. It's my natural way. How exciting! It has just become like I breathe. Every now and then I want to just eat a big bowl of my Grandma's chicken and dumplings. But I think those are emotions, not true cravings. So I call my Grandma instead. It's all good. :)

Life has become quite an adventure with all the possibilities with homeschooling and all the AMAZING possibilities to be outdoors learning here in this area of town. It's endless. I still have panic attacks about putting my kids in any school where the doors are unlocked. But, truly I believe God is moving us in a new way, and freeing up our time to work within His arms.

This weekend I am headed over to Casa de Esperanza, and I am not sure what to expect...but I am sure to be changed forever. I am wondering if that is fair...to go there to work for them, and leave altered for life.

I painted today for the first time in a loooooooooong while. Since the beginning of Lent, actually! Wow. I am headed upstairs after my bathtub date to work on a painting for the girls at Casa de Esperanza. Hopefully it doesn't turn out AWFUL. Please pray for it...and for their living room!

Hopefully soon, I will be posting creative writing here, instead of all this un-hoopla. For now, I will just post this benediction from last week's service:

beloved,
come into this space,
cupped in My palm,
snug in My fingers—
My hands are His hands,
in these, rest.

when you were lost,
it was I that found you
threw you ‘round my neck
brought you
out of the scorch of summer
freed you in spring’s glade…

o love of My love, answer My call
release your hands into Mine,
let down your fists into My comfort
let Me carry your life,
past the boundaries of human ends…
into the richness of new beginnings.


Keep lovin'.

K

Day three of fasting...

I woke up WAY too early, and almost fell on the floor! It was rather funny.

So, I have added on raw fruit to my cleanse...to help my blood sugar levels. And help me to feel safe driving, as I have my kiddos with me most of the time these days.

I am feeling good emotionally, and that I am on the right path.

Stopping and actually praying when I know I should instead of just saying, "I will pray about that". I am setting boundaries, and only once today overstepped them (Ha!).

Something big is coming. I don't know what yet, but it's coming. I'm ready.

K

Today's been one of those days...

The highlight was taking my kids to May Day at their old school, and watching them run about as if it were still their own home. Just today Gabe told me he wanted to go back to school. I can tell he misses his friends. Only, he doesn't want to go to KG, he wants to jump into 1st grade! I wonder if there is a way that God will work all of this out for me and I don't have to think about it anymore??? God is amazing, I wouldn't doubt that He would!

Noelle seemed to miss school as well. When we got home, I helped her start a new project and we talked about patience in our work, and striving to do our best...even if it took longer. We talked about faster not being better, and how things are richer when we've had to wait on them. So, we are working on watching our plants grow in our hydroponic garden, and we are going to measure them each day to see the changes. We probably will also sketch the little plants until they have filled up the entire garden! She was excited about this. We also picked out words that she had mis-spelled in the past, and practiced writing them slowly along with other words that rhymed with them. She seemed so excited about this, and it only took me a few minutes to make the list out for her.

Today I successfully completed my second day of fasting from 'chewed' food. I have been on smoothies or raw soups. Today was harder than yesterday for sure. I am surprised I made it with being out at dinner time and lunch time. The Spirit is surely on this walk with me. Many emotions have surfaced today, and I find myself praying for relief from frustration, headaches, dizzyness, anger and worry...and that tomorrow will be easier! Although I am headed into town for a homeschool co-op with friends and then off to small group. I keep thinking..."when will this fast end? can i call the date?" So far it is still uncertain. I haven't talked to many people about what is going on with me...I am a little scared to, quite frankly since I really have no clue!! Part of me wants to end this struggle right now...but the other part of me is crying..."NO WAIT! Wait and see who's on the other side!" One thing that I keep visualizing, is a spacious, intellectual mind--creative and freed from worry and fear (at least some)...and a woman, whom I have always known as me, melting through my pores leaving a new, revived body capable of doing the work God calls me to: Love. Trust. Live. Shine. Be patient, and understanding. Be kind. Give, and give again. Be open to everything God wants to bring through me. Listen. Feel, tenderly. Be gracious. Be gentle.

I told myself I wouldn't ever try another fast unless God called me to one, and then BLAM! (Watch what you wish for!) So, I am off to bed...I am trying to get at least 8 hours of sleep a night during this down time. Somewhere in all this...a new sort of christian, woman, wife, mother, friend, and artist is growing.

To God,
Kelly